Love

Have you ever met someone and instantly loved them?  Like a deep love of them.  Not like a romantic love per se, or even a family type love, but something much deeper.  Much more real.  I have only encountered a love like that one time in my life.  Something so pure, like the love you have for your child when it's first born.  Something like a 'Bridges of Madison County' encounter, where the other person was my destiny.  He fit perfect in my life and after only three days together, changed me greatly.
   It was two years ago, I went on a trip to Chicago with a class from the local college.  We were there to learn more about poverty and homlessness.  He was the leader of my group on this trip.  There were 5 of us total in this group, me being the oldest.  We drove out in a minivan.  I didn't get to really know him until the net day when our group had time in the morning to "wander" around Chicago and we all chose the mall.  We were supposed to keep in groups of at least two and check in at check in points with our teacher.  He wanted to go to a certain store, I can't remember now which one it was.  The rest of the group wanted to go somewhere else.  So I said I would stay with him.  At first I thought he was kind of a jerk.  we quietly walked to the store.  He saw some people he knew in the store, which was actually pretty weird since we were two hours from home, but he introduced me to them.  Very politlely. And he included me in their conversation.  It was polite.  Nice.  The day dragged on and I got to know him a little better.  We had fun doing crazy stuff together at the mall.  He was nice and funny, but I still didn't think too much of him.  Yet.  Then we had our first assignment to go to the Salvation Army and serve lunch in the soup kitchen.  He and I were assigned to make orange wedges together.  There were over a hundred oranges!  As we sat and sliced these oranges, we talked.  He turned out to be more than just a frat boy.  He was deep.  And politcal.  He was studying accountancy, but like many teens just out of highschool, he wasn't sure that's what he wanted to spend his life doing.  What he really wanted to do was write.  Freelance.  He wanted to travel the world, see things.  See people.  And write about them the way he say them.  He had great ideas of the world.  Of what it was and what he wanted it to be.  He was passionate and compassionate.  He asked me about myself, and he listened when I spoke.  He heard me beyond my words.  He heard what I wanted and who I truly was through what I was telling him.  Nobody has ever seen me like that.  Raw.  Unedited. But he did.  He said he admired me for being a single mom and going back to school to make life better.  He understood my real dreams without me having to say them aloud.  He suggested the movie 'Into the Wild'.  I watched once I was home and he was right on about my taste in movies.  We talked about books and politics and sports and people.  It was the best time slicing oranges I have ever had.  He was 19.  I was 32.  I was engaged.  He treated me better than my fiance'.  He set the bar that day.  We continued to spend time together over that weekend and sat together on the way home.  I felt young, rejuvinated!  I felt beautiful and special.  And loved.  I know I have friends and family that love me.  I know that I am loved.  But this was the type of love i have spent my life looking for.  It was different and I don't know if I even have the right words to give you to explain what it was. I know what it wasn't.  It wasn't infatuation.  It was stronger, deeper, more stable and real. It wasn't romantic or family love.  It wasn't brother love.  I don't know what it was.  But it was love. 
  Since that weekend, I have set the standard for my son and my future loves based on him and his kindess.  We were in the Ghiredelli store and about to eat our samples when I was bumped and dropped my unwrapped chocolate.  Without hesitation, he gave me his and picked up mine..and ate. it. lol  He actually ate it! From the floor in a store in Chicago. I would have just asked for another one.  But he ate it.  On the drive back he stood up for my political point of view in a heated discussion with our teacher.  He got me.  My fiance didn't.  Knowing him caused me to re-evaluate myself and our relationship and caused a short break in my relationship. 
 Time went on though.  I got back together with my fiance and he made me promise not to have contact with my new friend.  I promised, but kept him on my Facebook.  I never checked his page though.  I loved Gabe.  I loved him vey much and I honored our relationship.  I was always faithful, devoted, and loyal.  Altough I have never forgotten Ben.  I think of him every so often and even mentioned him to son the other day when he was asking me about how to treat a girl.  I thought of him tonight.  And since Gabe betrayed me and walked out of my life, I checked Ben's page to see what he was up to.  I expected to find that he had quit school and was traveling around the world and was writing for the French Press.  What I found was different and again, will leave me never the same again.
  Ben passed away two years ago.  A month and a half after our weekend together.  I can't find out what happened.  I think he took his own life.  There were only two articles that talked about it that I could find and both had been removed from their sites.  I know his body was found by a passerby in a field near his house.  I know he was at a party the night before and was cited for an MIP (Minor In Possession).  But that's all I know.  I know that he was loved.  Deeply. I could tell that when I first added him as a friend and looked at his page.  I know that by the way people in his class reacted to him.  By the way I felt about him.  He wa loved.  I hope he knew it. 
  So now I feel crushed and hollow and raw.  I have never felt love like that and I'm not sure I ever will again.  But his love changed my life forever.  Thank you Ben for being in my life and teaching me about what love is.  About who I am. About who I want to be. And who I want to be with.  Rest in peace Ben-ji.  I love you.

What I'm lovin' right now

Sonic Route 44 Diet Vanilla Cranberry Coke


Grilled Cheese with Cheddar cheese, Bleu Cheese crumbles and green onions on top.


This season of American Idol!  Stephen Tyler!  He is such a diva and he makes sex comments to contestants and randomly sings!  He cracks me up!

Green Bay in the Super Bowl!

Reconnecting with old friends and getting closer to new ones

Goodwill

Paxil!  Ha!

WHY?

Why do all mommy groups have to be etremely "mommy-is"?  It's like, "let's all drink organic coffee picked by ugandans in the mid-day sun at their peak in our coffee mugs made by blind potters while we wear our organic cotton clothing that was weaved by native americans, with our perfectly done hair and make-up while we sit in our HUGE gas guggling SUV made by a foreign company and talk about what an overacheiver our child is and how rich our husbands are" 

Why can't I find a retro-grade band of mommies that want to drink Route 44 diet cokes and wear sweat pants and sit in my living room while our normally growing babies play and we talk about how much we would love to take a shower and eat a complete meal while it's hot?

Why-oh-why do highschoolers think they look SO COOL when their buts are hanging out of their pants? Andrew and Rowan were BOTH laughing at the yahoo we saw the other day, and he was struttin' his stuff like he thought they were admiring him!

Why do Rowan's molars only hurt her at 2:00 in the morning?

Why does she feel she has to scream bloody murder at the top of her lungs at 2:00 in the morning when her teeth hurt her?

Why can't she just whimper a little to let me know?

Why does our dog always bark at Andrew when he comes to the door from outside?

Why does our pug's tail straighten when she sleeps? That's weird.

Why does Stephen Tyler randomly start singing during the American Idol auditions? 

Why do I still want to have one night alone with him?  I'll make him sing, allright! ;)

Why does Rowan always try to drink the dog's water? Gross.