I'm back to writing again after a long time of life just coming at me fast. I don't know if anyone even reads my blog, but it just feels good sometimes to write things out.
It's been five years since my last post and a lot has happened. My oldest and I have learned how to cope with his Autism and I have made a career out of teaching the rest of the world how to cope as well. I am now working on my Autism Specialist Certificate and am deciding on whether I want to pursue my Master's Degree in Special Education, as my BS is in Elementary Education, or in Occupational Therapy which is where my heart has always been. It's a tough decision that I am not taking lightly, I love facets of both careers and they are both similar in many ways. I have also gone through a crushing divorce and all of the emotional stages that go along with that. I am re-married and we have a wonderful baby son who is now 18 months old. My daughter is 5 and in Kindergarten, my oldest is 15 and a freshman in highschool, and of course I have the baby at home. This next change is the one I need to write about. I went not only from being a single mom to a married wife and mother, but from working full time as teacher, and a Special Education Teacher for Autism on an emergency certificate to now being a full time at-home wife and mother. This seemed the most natural thing for me to do both financially and emotionally for our children. All three are in milestone ages and stages of life and it made sense for me to stay home to be there for them in every way during these times.
My oldest has all of the angst and challenges that come with transitioning to being a teenager and to being in highshool. There's a new set of friends, girls, tons of homework and lots of studying, drugs have been an issue..not for him but he has already been offered drugs...and just figuring out where he fits in in this world. If I were to teach full time I would not be able to be as emotionally available for him. We have had troubles at school this year and I have had to spend lots of time with teachers and at the school as well as time with a grounded son, monitoring him, studying with him, and making sure he learned as much as he could from the situation. Then I have my Kindergartener. She's just learning about school and friends. None of these kiddos have social skills, so friends and playing is most important right now. She is also learning so much academically that I wouldn't have the energy or time to offer support to her or have play dates for her if I had a classroom to take care of as well.
As it is right now my son has early release days every week and I pick him up and we go out for coffee or ice cream or what have you, and discuss his goals. He has a binder he keeps with me that lists his goals. We go over his short term and long term goals for the week, discuss what he did to reach them and how he thinks the week went. What went right and what went wrong that he could work on. We then list new goals, taking those things into consieration for the next week. We use his planner to plan study time and friend time as well as chores and free time. I love this time more than anything. I thank God for it every day. I love his age where I can guide him now and begin to work on our relationship as adults. That's not saying I feel my job asa parent is over, I do not think that. I do, however feel my role is now more of a guidance role because I have done the parenting during is formidable years. I step in and make decisions when needed and give rewards and conseuenes when asked for, but with his age I don't need to take that role so much.
I spend time volunteering in my daughter's classroom and have been able to go to her parties and field trips, another thing I would have to miss as a full time teacher. I enjoy our time in the car going to and from school and enjoy taking her to the park after school with the baby. I enjoy taking her to gymnastics and play dates with friends. We read together, do crafts together and spend time playing Barbie. I also love this time with her to watch her grow from being a baby to a little girl. I thank God for that as well.
Then there's the baby. I love my time with him. I would miss out on so much if I continued my career. I went back to teacing four days after I gave birth to him and regretted it that whole year. I felt I missed out on bonding and so many growth milestones. I love just playing with him, making meals for him, reading to him, taking him to story times and play dates as well. I also thank God for this time to raise my now toddler.
As I write this realize my tough time transitioning is not so much being a full time mom, I always have been that, it's being a full time wife and being at home. See, I have always worked or gone to school. I love workng.I love my career, everything about it. I love feeling important, the clothes, meeting new people, learning new things, getting out of the house, and making my own money. Staying at home and having the household on my shoulders is what is difficult. Not resenting my husband for going to work while I am here, that is my struggle. Our finances are so tight. I have no money to just get a pop or take the princess to McDonald's after school I have to rely on my husband for that. Grocery shopping is very budgeted and we don't eat out anymore. I enjoyed making my own money and having freedoms and I enjoyed spending my money on entertainment. I also loved being around other people. I have a house and family to care for now, I don't get out very much. Not for connections to other people at least. That is difficult as well. I feel isolated. I feel I have lost most of my friends because they are in a different place in life and go out often with their spouces. Again I begin to resent mine. I stay in yoga pants or pajamas because I need full range of motion with the baby and I haven't had my hair done in about 18 months. I feel frumpy and disgusting. I don't go to the gym anymore and feel...fat. Fat and weak. We moved so I don't attend my church anymore and I miss it. I feel uninspired. Then there's the fact my day never ends. There are always dishes, always laundry, meals to cook, things to put away, dogs to let out, homework to help with..things that seemingly only mom can do. My husband does help, but he gets a change of scenery. His day at work is done when he comes home. Mine just keeps going. He gets to finish tasks and feel success. I never get to finish anything. I am exhausted all the time. This is my struggle. I'm not unhappy and we have a great marriage, I just am struggling with being at home. I feel like I am not doing anything important.
Baby is awake so I will write more later about how i have come to terms with my new role and come to love it and celebrate it.
