About a week ago I was trying to convince The Boy that it is important to read. He and I actually got into a pretty heated discussion over the importance of knowing how to read well and reading books. He was informing me that he is going to be a movie director when he grows up and he doesn't need reading to do that, he just needs to watch tons of movies and the extras discs (lol, so niaeve). So I was trying to get him to understand that there is TONS of reading involved in college, not to mention that he will have to read scripts. And most movies come from books. He didn't believe me, thus the Book Game was born!
Here is how it is played: He has to name a movie that did not come from a book, history event, or comic book, or one that is based on a book such as Monty Python's Holy Grail which is based on the story of King Arthur. in the middle of the heated discussion of trying to prove the other person wrong, we realized that we were actually having fun and a really good discussion came out of it. He came up with two more rules: the winner is the first person to get to 10 points. If he names a movie that is a book, I get a point. If he names one that is not a book, he gets a point. Rule # 2: If he names three in a row that are not books, I lose a point. If he names three in a row that are books, he loses a point. he won round 1, but I won round two. Round two had a twist, the same rules applied, but I had to name books that were movies. If I failed, then he got a point. That was more difficult than I thought because I could not repeat any titles from round one and I had to choose movies that he would know so that he could play along easily.
It really is fun, maybe I can figure a way to make it into a board game or a card game!
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Fear
This morning started like every other weekday morning before it, I get up, get an ice cold diet vanilla Coke from the fridge, pop a blueberry bagel into the toaster and wake up my son. Then I go to the computer and quickly check my email. In my inbox was a letter I had been waiting all week to see! I have been obsessively logging onto Gmail in hopes for this certain reply. I opened it and there it was! The reply I was hoping to see...it was from the director of a local MOPS group. I had called about a week ago to see if I could still join. She said she would have to make sure there was still room in the nursery and would email me to let me know. So here I am today with the answer I was hoping to see, they did have room for the Princess and would love to meet us. Instantly I begin to tremble all over, and start to have trouble breathing. I felt like I was going to throw up. I was having a panic attack. It may seem something silly to have a panic attack over, but this is a big deal for me.
For one, this is a step of acceptance. Acceptance of my life as it is right now, right here. Acceptance that I live here now and that I won't be going back to Kalamazoo anytime soon. That is HUGE for me since my whole life is in Kazoo and we loved living there so much. It's also aceptance that my life is moving ahead. Without Gabe.I have spent the last 6 years of my life fighting like hell to keep my life still for him. Waiting for him to come home from Iraq. Waiting for him to reappear from wherever it was he disappeared to. waiting fro him to come home from Afghanistan. Just waiting. And not moving forward. And now I have to accept that no matter how much I love him, he can't love me back the way I need. The way I deserve. So I am laying down roots and moving forward. So what am I so afraid of? This should be a good thing, right? Something to be celebrated. But here I am, freaking out.
But there's still more to this emotional outburst of mine. As well as being a step of acceptence and huge, gargantuan step forward in my life, it's a step towards rebuilding my life. A step towards the life I want. But why does that scare the hell out of me you ask. I don't really know, I reply. I don't know. Maybe because I have had to rebuild my life four times so far, three of them being since Gabe has come into it. Maybe because this last time, when I lost everything, including The Boy, was so difficult to come back from. I lost material things, yes, but I lost most of myself. Gabe turned out to be violent and possessive, just like The Boy's dad. I lost faith in myself. Faith in my sense of judgement and my ability to make good diecisions. Here I am, in my mid thirties living off of my parents. With two children from two different fathers. And pretty soon my son is going to learn there is a name for women like me. I have learned to hate myself. I've spent the past year beating up on myself and fighting to keep myslef and my family together. And now I am on the other side of everything. I have finally let go of Gabe, something I realistically should have done 5 years ago, I have finally given up on hating myself an have decided to work on getting to know myself again. Rebuilding. And I am SO close to the life I want. Again. But then that is what I am so afraid of.
I have been here many times before. I have built myself up and gotten my life to where I wanted it, just to end up falling in love with some guy and screwing it all up again. Failing is easy. Being a failure is easy. Because you have nothing left to lose. Spending the year at rock bottom has been comfortable. I couldn't really make it worse. I couldn't lose anything else. There was nothing to mess up. I din't have to spen every day waiting for that other shoe to drop. But now, now I will have more to lose. More to work for. And that scares me. Picking myself up has gotten more an more difficult each time I have had to do it, and this last time damn near killed me. It has taken a year and I am just now feeling reay to take baby steps like getting out of the house and meeting other moms.
I have also been filling out job applications. There is one job available that I REALLY want. One that I swear was written for me. But I can't make myself finish the application. Actually, it's done, I just can't hit send. I always hit save. Today is the last day for taking apps, but what if I get the job? What if I don't? Then it is one more failure. One more disappointment. This fear I have developed, it's paralyzing. I am afraid to let people know me anymore. Afraid to leave the house. After Gabe, I just don't trust my instincts anymore. I saw myself so differently than he saw me. What if I was lying to myself and his perception of me was the right one? He is always making little "jokes" about how dumb I am or how lazy I am or how stubborn or spoiled I am. But I don't see myself as being that bad. Could I have been wrong about myself? I was wrong about him.
I look at the options and opportunities ahead of me and realize that I am at a crossroad. I can decide to stay stagnant, penniless, friendless, hopeless, and depressed, or I can decide to put myself out there and take chances. A leap of faith. Sure I might fail, but I might also succeed. And if there is one thing my life's decisions have taught me, it's that you can't truly succeed without failing first. I look behind me and realize this crossroad is on a hill. A hill that I have climbed and conquered, that the rest is now downhill if I choose the right road. I have all of the proper equipment: supportive family and friends, strong faith, a degree, the ability to make friends... now it is up to me to make the right decision. I take a deep breath, close my eyes, and take a leap....
For one, this is a step of acceptance. Acceptance of my life as it is right now, right here. Acceptance that I live here now and that I won't be going back to Kalamazoo anytime soon. That is HUGE for me since my whole life is in Kazoo and we loved living there so much. It's also aceptance that my life is moving ahead. Without Gabe.I have spent the last 6 years of my life fighting like hell to keep my life still for him. Waiting for him to come home from Iraq. Waiting for him to reappear from wherever it was he disappeared to. waiting fro him to come home from Afghanistan. Just waiting. And not moving forward. And now I have to accept that no matter how much I love him, he can't love me back the way I need. The way I deserve. So I am laying down roots and moving forward. So what am I so afraid of? This should be a good thing, right? Something to be celebrated. But here I am, freaking out.
But there's still more to this emotional outburst of mine. As well as being a step of acceptence and huge, gargantuan step forward in my life, it's a step towards rebuilding my life. A step towards the life I want. But why does that scare the hell out of me you ask. I don't really know, I reply. I don't know. Maybe because I have had to rebuild my life four times so far, three of them being since Gabe has come into it. Maybe because this last time, when I lost everything, including The Boy, was so difficult to come back from. I lost material things, yes, but I lost most of myself. Gabe turned out to be violent and possessive, just like The Boy's dad. I lost faith in myself. Faith in my sense of judgement and my ability to make good diecisions. Here I am, in my mid thirties living off of my parents. With two children from two different fathers. And pretty soon my son is going to learn there is a name for women like me. I have learned to hate myself. I've spent the past year beating up on myself and fighting to keep myslef and my family together. And now I am on the other side of everything. I have finally let go of Gabe, something I realistically should have done 5 years ago, I have finally given up on hating myself an have decided to work on getting to know myself again. Rebuilding. And I am SO close to the life I want. Again. But then that is what I am so afraid of.
I have been here many times before. I have built myself up and gotten my life to where I wanted it, just to end up falling in love with some guy and screwing it all up again. Failing is easy. Being a failure is easy. Because you have nothing left to lose. Spending the year at rock bottom has been comfortable. I couldn't really make it worse. I couldn't lose anything else. There was nothing to mess up. I din't have to spen every day waiting for that other shoe to drop. But now, now I will have more to lose. More to work for. And that scares me. Picking myself up has gotten more an more difficult each time I have had to do it, and this last time damn near killed me. It has taken a year and I am just now feeling reay to take baby steps like getting out of the house and meeting other moms.
I have also been filling out job applications. There is one job available that I REALLY want. One that I swear was written for me. But I can't make myself finish the application. Actually, it's done, I just can't hit send. I always hit save. Today is the last day for taking apps, but what if I get the job? What if I don't? Then it is one more failure. One more disappointment. This fear I have developed, it's paralyzing. I am afraid to let people know me anymore. Afraid to leave the house. After Gabe, I just don't trust my instincts anymore. I saw myself so differently than he saw me. What if I was lying to myself and his perception of me was the right one? He is always making little "jokes" about how dumb I am or how lazy I am or how stubborn or spoiled I am. But I don't see myself as being that bad. Could I have been wrong about myself? I was wrong about him.
I look at the options and opportunities ahead of me and realize that I am at a crossroad. I can decide to stay stagnant, penniless, friendless, hopeless, and depressed, or I can decide to put myself out there and take chances. A leap of faith. Sure I might fail, but I might also succeed. And if there is one thing my life's decisions have taught me, it's that you can't truly succeed without failing first. I look behind me and realize this crossroad is on a hill. A hill that I have climbed and conquered, that the rest is now downhill if I choose the right road. I have all of the proper equipment: supportive family and friends, strong faith, a degree, the ability to make friends... now it is up to me to make the right decision. I take a deep breath, close my eyes, and take a leap....
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Why?
Why do people let their children run wild in Goodwill? Seriously people. The toy area is not a daycare. I think that Goodwill should start charging families that leave their screaming children at the toys $5 per half hour. It would be a good fundraising effort for them!
Why do I always get stuck behind the slow person making 5 billion transactions in the bank drive-thru when I am on E for gas and have to run to the bank before I can go to the gas station?
Why does The Princess's poop look like melted chocolate?
Why do people always take you to the casket to look at the deceased when you attend a veiwing? Sometimes I don't know the deceased, I just know the family member and go to pay my respects. I don't know what to say or do in those situations.
Why can't I stop drinking Diet Coke? Is there still cocain in there? I think so.
Why are the Princess's farts so cute while the Boy's farts gross me out?
Why does Tim Allen look older than Tom Hanks?
Why does Burger King always mess up our order?
Why do I still go to Burger King if I don't like their food and they always mess up our order?
These are some of the things that are going through my mind right now as I try to sleep but cannot.
What are things you ponder?
Why do I always get stuck behind the slow person making 5 billion transactions in the bank drive-thru when I am on E for gas and have to run to the bank before I can go to the gas station?
Why does The Princess's poop look like melted chocolate?
Why do people always take you to the casket to look at the deceased when you attend a veiwing? Sometimes I don't know the deceased, I just know the family member and go to pay my respects. I don't know what to say or do in those situations.
Why can't I stop drinking Diet Coke? Is there still cocain in there? I think so.
Why are the Princess's farts so cute while the Boy's farts gross me out?
Why does Tim Allen look older than Tom Hanks?
Why does Burger King always mess up our order?
Why do I still go to Burger King if I don't like their food and they always mess up our order?
These are some of the things that are going through my mind right now as I try to sleep but cannot.
What are things you ponder?
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Is this wrong?
I just got back from the 2011 Spring Bridal Expo! I went with a friend I had made from DragonBallZ's(Yes, I am playing with names to call him to conceal his identity alothough I post pictures of him) baseball team. She's no GreaseMonkeyGirl, but she is a willing partner in crime and lots of fun too!
It was wonderful fun! There were cake samples of all kinds..Raspberry filled, buttercream, chocolate ganache, champagne cupcakes, OH MY!! Then there was food! Oh the food, the glorious food! There were lobster wontons and california springrolls and polish sausage and chicken... oh yum, the food! And people gushed over my old engagement ring and gushed over me, it was like having a wedding without having to have the wedding! There were all kinds of free samples like fabric swatches and keychains and bracelets and demo tapes from bands and DJ's. I loved being a fake bride for a day and gushing oer every detail of my wedding that never was and probably never will be. But I am OK with that because I am not left with a heft of debt at the end of the day. And I got to go home and lounge in my jammies and curl up with my two faorite people in the world and watch movies on my new, perfectly big and working Goodwill TV!! I love my new TV.
It's not like I am going to be Sue Sylvester and plan a wedding to marry myself or anything, but I am finally in a place where I am happy to be with me and not to be married. And going to bridal expo's is a small, free alternative to throwing my own wedding to marry...ME! :) This has opened up a whole new world to me!! I'e heard of people that go to wedding receptions or funeral luncheons for the food and prtend to be distant family members or old college roomates or something, but this is different. In a way. I still get to dress up a little and put on sparkly jewelry and pretend to be someone else for a moment, still get to eat wonderfull food and listen to great music. All without having to see hug people I don't know and make up memories about someone I have never met. I get to checkout premier restaraunts in the area, look into fantastic travel deals and destinations, and meet great bands and DJ's and to see where they are playing next. I also get to watch a fashion show and feel like I am in New York during fashoin week, I get to see a sneak peek at the new summer and spring lines coming out in certain stores and I get to meet local radio and TV personalities as well as I got a free CD from the radio station just for being there. What a FUN day!! So what if I totally lied about my life and made up good things about to happen. It may happen for me someday. But until then I get to get my fix at the seasonal bridal expos and then get to come home to a houseful of things that I love with people that I love and I get to eat food that we all love, all without having to succom to the opinions and preferences of someone else! Not a bad deal! Now if only I had a gay friend to go with as well as my girlfriends and then a hot transition guy to come home to for an hour!! THAT would make for a perfect day!
There's another one coming up this spring for the summer, anyone want to come?
It was wonderful fun! There were cake samples of all kinds..Raspberry filled, buttercream, chocolate ganache, champagne cupcakes, OH MY!! Then there was food! Oh the food, the glorious food! There were lobster wontons and california springrolls and polish sausage and chicken... oh yum, the food! And people gushed over my old engagement ring and gushed over me, it was like having a wedding without having to have the wedding! There were all kinds of free samples like fabric swatches and keychains and bracelets and demo tapes from bands and DJ's. I loved being a fake bride for a day and gushing oer every detail of my wedding that never was and probably never will be. But I am OK with that because I am not left with a heft of debt at the end of the day. And I got to go home and lounge in my jammies and curl up with my two faorite people in the world and watch movies on my new, perfectly big and working Goodwill TV!! I love my new TV.
It's not like I am going to be Sue Sylvester and plan a wedding to marry myself or anything, but I am finally in a place where I am happy to be with me and not to be married. And going to bridal expo's is a small, free alternative to throwing my own wedding to marry...ME! :) This has opened up a whole new world to me!! I'e heard of people that go to wedding receptions or funeral luncheons for the food and prtend to be distant family members or old college roomates or something, but this is different. In a way. I still get to dress up a little and put on sparkly jewelry and pretend to be someone else for a moment, still get to eat wonderfull food and listen to great music. All without having to see hug people I don't know and make up memories about someone I have never met. I get to checkout premier restaraunts in the area, look into fantastic travel deals and destinations, and meet great bands and DJ's and to see where they are playing next. I also get to watch a fashion show and feel like I am in New York during fashoin week, I get to see a sneak peek at the new summer and spring lines coming out in certain stores and I get to meet local radio and TV personalities as well as I got a free CD from the radio station just for being there. What a FUN day!! So what if I totally lied about my life and made up good things about to happen. It may happen for me someday. But until then I get to get my fix at the seasonal bridal expos and then get to come home to a houseful of things that I love with people that I love and I get to eat food that we all love, all without having to succom to the opinions and preferences of someone else! Not a bad deal! Now if only I had a gay friend to go with as well as my girlfriends and then a hot transition guy to come home to for an hour!! THAT would make for a perfect day!
There's another one coming up this spring for the summer, anyone want to come?
Friday, January 14, 2011
I look around my living room at the newly arranged furniture and my new thrift store finds. How did I get back here I wonder. Back here. To this place. A single mom again. Now two children by two dads. I am what I always considered to be white trash when looking through the eyes of a teenager who had no responsibilities. Now I am looking through the eyes of an old woman who is weighed down with responsibilities. I had come so far in my life. Picked myself off from where he shoved me 10 years ago and dusted my failures off and moved ahead. I finished my degree and went on to begin my master's degree. Then I fell in love. Much like the first time it was a whirlwind of school-girl giddy-ishness and that sick tilt-a-whirl feeling in my stomach every time I heard his voice. This wonderful man, once the boy I had loved so much in high-school, he was the one. The one that I was going to grow old with. The one I was going to have children with and have the large family that ate Sunday dinners together after church with. The one that was going to take long walks with me when we were in our golden years. The one that understood me like no-one else ever could. He accepted my craziness and even supported it. How did I get so lucky? Why would such a successful, wonderful man want to spend his life with me? A single mom working her way to finish college? That was 6 years ago. That was before his empty promises caused me to quit my teaching job in a wonderful school district and to lose my apartment. Before his ultimatum lead me to make a terrible decision that caused me to lose custody of my son. Before I lost everything that I had worked so hard to accomplish. Everyone that I loved so much. Before the birth of my sweet little princess.
Now I am here. Right where I started from. Again. How did I do this? How do I get out of this. I feel so weighted down with grief, responsibility, and self-loathing. I don't know that I can bring myself to get back up again. Is it that I just keep chasing the dad I never felt I had? Is it that I am so afraid of becoming my old maid great aunt that I would marry the first thing that looked my way, just to avoid being the person that my children played rock-paper-scissors to determine who had to spend this holiday with? Or is it that I am that faithful that love exists? That I am hopeful that I am worthy of being loved so much. Or maybe that I am afraid of not being worthy of being loved that much. When I look back though, I begin to see how far I have come. Last year I was pregnant and severely depressed. My son still lived with his father and was dependent on my daughter's father. I put all of my hopes, dreams, and eggs in that basket. Put my life on hold just in case the judges might let me live with him and regain custody of my son. I really had nothing. I left everything I owned behind with my husband to come and fight for my son. A year forward and I have won custody of my son again. I have a home and wonderful furniture. I am beginning to remember who I am and the things I like to do. I laugh again. I begin to stand tall and look to the future. Hopefully I will find a career that I am good at and that I enjoy. Hopefully I can work through my feelings of failure and resentment when it comes to my son's autism. I look around again. I am here. I am in a good place.
Now I am here. Right where I started from. Again. How did I do this? How do I get out of this. I feel so weighted down with grief, responsibility, and self-loathing. I don't know that I can bring myself to get back up again. Is it that I just keep chasing the dad I never felt I had? Is it that I am so afraid of becoming my old maid great aunt that I would marry the first thing that looked my way, just to avoid being the person that my children played rock-paper-scissors to determine who had to spend this holiday with? Or is it that I am that faithful that love exists? That I am hopeful that I am worthy of being loved so much. Or maybe that I am afraid of not being worthy of being loved that much. When I look back though, I begin to see how far I have come. Last year I was pregnant and severely depressed. My son still lived with his father and was dependent on my daughter's father. I put all of my hopes, dreams, and eggs in that basket. Put my life on hold just in case the judges might let me live with him and regain custody of my son. I really had nothing. I left everything I owned behind with my husband to come and fight for my son. A year forward and I have won custody of my son again. I have a home and wonderful furniture. I am beginning to remember who I am and the things I like to do. I laugh again. I begin to stand tall and look to the future. Hopefully I will find a career that I am good at and that I enjoy. Hopefully I can work through my feelings of failure and resentment when it comes to my son's autism. I look around again. I am here. I am in a good place.
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