Fear

This morning started like every other weekday morning before it, I get up, get an ice cold diet vanilla Coke from the fridge, pop a blueberry bagel into the toaster and wake up my son.  Then I go to the computer and quickly check my email.  In my inbox was a letter I had been waiting all week to see!  I have been obsessively logging onto Gmail in hopes for this certain reply.  I opened it and there it was! The reply I was hoping to see...it was from the director of a local MOPS group.  I had called about a week ago to see if I could still join.  She said she would have to make sure there was still room in the nursery and would email me to let me know.  So here I am today with the answer I was hoping to see, they did have room for the Princess and would love to meet us.  Instantly I begin to tremble all over, and start to have trouble breathing.  I felt like I was going to throw up.  I was having a panic attack.  It may seem something silly to have a panic attack over, but this is a big deal for me.
  For one, this is a step of acceptance.  Acceptance of my life as it is right now, right here.  Acceptance that I live here now and that I won't be going back to Kalamazoo anytime soon.  That is HUGE for me since my whole life is in Kazoo and we loved living there so much.  It's also aceptance that my life is moving ahead.  Without Gabe.I have spent the last 6 years of my life fighting like hell to keep my life still for him.  Waiting for him to come home from Iraq.  Waiting for him to reappear from wherever it was he disappeared to.  waiting fro him to come home from Afghanistan. Just waiting. And not moving forward.  And now I have to accept that no matter how much I love him, he can't love me back the way I need.  The way I deserve.  So I am laying down roots and moving forward.  So what am I so afraid of?  This should be a good thing, right? Something to be celebrated. But here I am, freaking out. 
   But there's still more to this emotional outburst of mine.  As well as being a step of acceptence and huge, gargantuan step forward in my life, it's a step towards rebuilding my life.  A step towards the life I want.  But why does that scare the hell out of me you ask.  I don't really know, I reply.  I don't know.  Maybe because I have had to rebuild my life four times so far, three of them being since Gabe has come into it.  Maybe because this last time, when I lost everything, including The Boy, was so difficult to come back from.  I lost material things, yes, but I lost most of myself.  Gabe turned out to be violent and possessive, just like The Boy's dad.  I lost faith in myself.  Faith in my sense of judgement and my ability to make good diecisions.  Here I am, in my mid thirties living off of my parents. With two children from two different fathers.  And pretty soon my son is going to learn there is a name for women like me.  I have learned to hate myself.  I've spent the past year beating up on myself and fighting to keep myslef and my family together.  And now I am on the other side of everything.  I have finally let go of Gabe, something I realistically should have done 5 years ago, I have finally given up on hating myself an have decided to work on getting to know myself again.  Rebuilding.  And I am SO close to the life I want. Again.  But then that is what I am so afraid of.
   I have been here many times before.  I have built myself up and gotten my life to where I wanted it, just to end up falling in love with some guy and screwing it all up again.  Failing is easy.  Being a failure is easy.  Because you have nothing left to lose.  Spending the year at rock bottom has been comfortable.  I couldn't really make it worse.  I couldn't lose anything else.  There was nothing to mess up.  I din't have to spen every day waiting for that other shoe to drop.  But now, now I will have more to lose.  More to work for.  And that scares me.  Picking myself up has gotten more an more difficult each time I have had to do it, and this last time damn near killed me.  It has taken a year and I am just now feeling reay to take baby steps like getting out of the house and meeting other moms.
   I have also been filling out job applications.  There is one job available that I REALLY want.  One that I swear was written for me.  But I can't make myself finish the application.  Actually, it's done, I just can't hit send.  I always hit save.  Today is the last day for taking apps, but what if I get the job?  What if I don't? Then it is one more failure.  One more disappointment.  This fear I have developed, it's paralyzing.  I am afraid to let people know me anymore.  Afraid to leave the house.  After Gabe, I just don't trust my instincts anymore.  I saw myself so differently than he saw me.  What if I was lying to myself and his perception of me was the right one?  He is always making little "jokes" about how dumb I am or how lazy I am or how stubborn or spoiled I am.  But I don't see myself as being that bad.  Could I have been wrong about myself?  I was wrong about him.
  I look at the options and opportunities ahead of me and realize that I am at a crossroad.  I can decide to stay stagnant, penniless, friendless, hopeless, and depressed, or I can decide to put myself out there and take chances.  A leap of faith.  Sure I might fail, but I might also succeed.  And if there is one thing my life's decisions have taught me, it's that you can't truly succeed without failing first.  I look behind me and realize this crossroad is on a hill.  A hill that I have climbed and conquered, that the rest is now downhill if I choose the right road.  I have all of the proper equipment: supportive family and friends, strong faith, a degree, the ability to make friends... now it is up to me to make the right decision.  I take a deep breath, close my eyes, and take a leap....