I look around my living room at the newly arranged furniture and my new thrift store finds.  How did I get back here I wonder.  Back here.  To this place.  A single mom again. Now two children by two dads. I am what I always considered to be white trash when looking through the eyes of a teenager who had no responsibilities. Now I am looking through the eyes of an old woman who is weighed down with responsibilities.  I had come so far in my life.  Picked myself off from where he shoved me 10 years ago and dusted my failures off and moved ahead.  I finished my degree and went on to begin my master's degree.  Then I fell in love.  Much like the first time it was a whirlwind of school-girl giddy-ishness and that sick tilt-a-whirl feeling in my stomach every time I heard his voice.  This wonderful man, once the boy I had loved so much in high-school, he was the one.  The one that I was going to grow old with.  The one I was going to have children with and have the large family that ate Sunday dinners together after church with.  The one that was going to take long walks with me when we were in our golden years.  The one that understood me like no-one else ever could.  He accepted my craziness and even supported it.  How did I get so lucky?  Why would such a successful, wonderful man want to spend his life with me? A single mom working her way to finish college?  That was 6 years ago.  That was before his empty promises caused me to quit my teaching job in a wonderful school district and to lose my apartment.  Before his ultimatum lead me to make a terrible decision that caused me to lose custody of my son.  Before I lost everything that I had worked so hard to accomplish.  Everyone that I loved so much.  Before the birth of my sweet little princess.
    Now I am here.  Right where I started from. Again.  How did I do this?  How do I get out of this.  I feel so weighted down with grief, responsibility, and self-loathing.  I don't know that I can bring myself to get back up again.  Is it that I just keep chasing the dad I never felt I had?  Is it that I am so afraid of becoming my old maid great aunt that I would marry the first thing that looked my way, just to avoid being the person that my children played rock-paper-scissors to determine who had to spend this holiday with?  Or is it that I am that faithful that love exists?  That I am hopeful that I am worthy of being loved so much.  Or maybe that I am afraid of not being worthy of being loved that much.  When I look back though, I begin to see how far I have come.  Last year I was pregnant and severely depressed. My son still lived with his father and was dependent on my daughter's father.  I put all of my hopes, dreams, and eggs in that basket.  Put my life on hold just in case the judges might let me live with him and regain custody of my son.  I really had nothing.  I left everything I owned behind with my husband to come and fight for my son.  A year forward and I have won custody of my son again.  I have a home and wonderful furniture.  I am beginning to remember who I am and the things I like to do.  I laugh again.  I begin to stand tall and look to the future.  Hopefully I will find a career that I am good at and that I enjoy.  Hopefully I can work through my feelings of failure and resentment when it comes to my son's autism.  I look around again.  I am here.  I am in a good place.